So here is the deal... Today I am putting myself out there for all of you to see. I have been going through some changes within myself, and I want to share my experiences with you. I am not exactly sure what brought it all on, perhaps it is that I am turning 40 in a year and a half, I really don't know. It began a while ago when I started to see Deb. ( Caution - this will be long. )
I wanted to get more organized in my life and schedule things so I had a better balance. I started off really well but it was still not working the way that I thought it could work. I began getting stressed out.
Who was I any way? A wife? a mom? a friend? a business owner? or more so "President and Founder of Total She Inc " - Blech...
I wanted to come on this blog and be myself, but I have been so torn about just WHO I "should" be, and what I "should" be talking about. Was this a Total She blog? Should I talk about Total She? Should I talk about my kids? My family? My life? What exactly was I trying to get accross on this blog anyway? I had never really defined it for myself.
What did I want to talk about? I have decided that on this blog, I will talk about my life and business struggles and how I get through them, plus any other great info that is happening of course! Sometimes business, sometimes personal, and how about some behind the scenes of my not so "perfect" life that I figured I should have be broadcasting to everyone.
I want to be relatable to you all, not untouchable, this is how I was beginning to feel.... that is just not me, I am one of the most down to earth people that you will ever meet, no wonder why I was struggling with the blog. I am not a superficial President and Founder. That whole title makes me cringe! ( I need a new title by the way... who wants to help me brainstorm for a new title? The winner will receive a gift from me and their name in our next catalogue.)
With all of these mid life questions popping into my mind, the work load of my business, facing the unknown in my business, my family and children responsibilities and trying to work through it all, it was stressing me out so much and I began eating. I have always had pretty good control of myself in the food aspect but for the past 10 years or of child rearing or so I have let about 10-15 pounds creep on. Over the past month another 10 lbs crept on, I hopped on the scale on Saturday June 4th and I was at 160lbs. Uh Oh - I needed an intervention on myself! Someone put a lock on the fridge.
Now I am in no way trying to make a big deal about this, I know people might say Oh big woopie 15 lbs is nothing, but for me, I knew I was eating terribly and I drowned on myself in bad self talk, I was on a disasterous path. I had tried cleanses and diets and all types of different ideas before to drop the weight. They would temporarily work, I'd lose, then I'd go back to eating the JUNK. Boxes of cookies, crackers, chips, even chocolate chips when I was desperate. I was sure to be on a diabetes path, it was getting that bad. I would harp at my kids to not eat it, then I'd pig out on all the junk after they went to bed. It made me feel better while I was eating, but afterwards all the self talk would start all over again. With all of the diets I was not solving the problem at all... the inside of ME. I am now trying to work on loving myself again, and trying to figure out just who this person is that lives inside me.
On Monday June 6th I started a new program at U weightloss. One of the things that I knew about myself is that I was not accountable to myself. I was a huge procrastinator, but if someone was expecting something I would always make it happen.
Over the past couple weeks I have realized that I was not accountable to myself because I did not love myself. How incredibly sad is that. If I loved and cared for myself I would take "care" of myself and do the things that needed to do to keep myself healthy, fit and in shape. I would put myself into the equation of my time because I am worth it. I have realized that it really was not that I am not accountable to myself - it was that I did not love and respect myself enough to do these things for me. Again - how sad is that. With this realization, I feel like I can overcome most of the hurdles I am facing just by loving myself a little more each day.
I am proud to tell you that I have been putting myself into my own life and have lost 9 pounds so far. My goal is 135 pounds in the end, but my bigger goal is to get myself back into the shape that I was before I forgot about myself, eat healthier, and be able to have a treat once in a while and not need the junk to solve my inner issues. I want to deal with them on my own. Please feel free to comment at any time on the blog, I'd love to meet you and hear from you.
